What's Wrong?

Recently, I'm going through quite a predicament. Not so much that it involves everybody else. It's just...

For the past few weeks I've been feeling like this. I don't know what is wrong. I haven't had a good nights' sleep since then. It's always a nap for about 1 to 4 hours. Maybe I should go see a doctor. Or I could just relax. It's not that I'm going through such a disaster that I need to pick up what's left. Basically, I don't think I have a problem at work. True I haven't been able to do as much sales as I did before. But, I can't blame myself for it. It's mostly because the company does not stock up on it's merchandise and, of course, the late shipment Apple's been giving us lately.

Not that I blame them. In fact, I congratulate Apple for having the balls in making better machines now. No, I don't think Apple is to blame. Should stop playing the blaming game for now, or else I would never stop. In any case, I should concentrate more on what in God's name is worrying me.

Is it money? Well, everyone needs more money. More money equals more greed. All in all, it still is great to have more than what you need. Unless I'm wasting precious materials, I still think it's great to have more money. Seriously, I don't think money is such a problem. I thank God that I have a job. At least, that's how I could pay the bills every now and then. The problem is my money is that I don't have enough. I want a brand new car, I also want a brand new computer so I could play that Elder Scrolls game. I also want to rent an apartment, so I could at least run away from my responsibilities for a few weeks. But, how am I to do all those things, much less in buying any of those things if I don't have enough.

Well, in careful planning, I'm sure I could whip up something. I'm not getting paid by the thousand, but enough nonetheless. It does take a lot of planning. In which, I'm losing out MYR3000 for a brand new computer. I sure hope that I could spare that much. Because, no matter how careful someone plans for something. I'm sure there would be something else that needs that amount of money. Good Lord, I sure hope nothing like that happens.

About that apartment. I actually found one. It's right with my brother's place in Flora Damansara. The price for it isn't at all bad. Pretty cheap I might add. It would be great to have a place for gaming. Just hook up a rig and off I go into the gaming world. It would also be a great place to hang out with friends. Well, considering that it takes more than just a few hundred ringgit to hype up the place. It didn't take me long to just forget about it. I mean, I should just use that money to take care of my family.

Maybe the cause of this lack of sleep, or anxiety, is that I may have taken too much raw meat. My hunger has grown way beyond my control. I can't seem to shake this sudden need for meat anymore. I have to stock up on meat just in case I wake up in the middle of the night needing it. I could have sworn that I got high everytime I taste the meat. I cannot begin to describe how it feels but it sure is satisfying.

Maybe I just need a nightlife. I don't have much of a nightlife anymore. What with working 12 hour shifts. I usually get very tired after that. But, no matter how tired I get, I still can't get enough sleep. Luckily, I get a day off after my shift so I could at least rest. Albeit, I still find it very hard to fall asleep. Maybe I need some sort of a relaxing pill? Or something to make me feel absolutely tired? God knows.

Maybe I should get involve with hobbies or something like it. At home I like to draw, basically comics and little caricatures that makes me happy. Depending on my mood, most of the time it's about rage and anger. I don't know. Even if I did try to do something funny, it ends up being about hate. Well, I do believe I have some anger issues

God, sometimes I wish I could just walk in a moonlit night. Just enjoy the night breeze. I can't do that nowadays, there's too many people, too many cars, too many noise. I use to walk for hours, sometimes ending up in places I don't even know. Sometimes, it would rain. Sometimes, it would rain. Hard! But, whenever it does, I welcome it all. It's this ancient feeling that I get when I surrender my very self to it's entirety.

I better finish up. Procrastinated too long. Nothing special happen anyway, so I should just end things here.

Azarul Carlyle Einhander